Been sitting on this in my “back pocket” since one Saturday in October of 2016. It’s time to “put it out there” and just share it on my blog. I finished reading Kelley King’s book about ministry to women. In it, she asks for women know know/voice/understand/name their “why” for ministry. I LOVE that God gave this to me 2 years ago and I love that I DID write it down. I want to be able to look back, point and say, “THERE! THAT’S what God said & HERE! This is what God did with that.
Hmmmm….a book you say?! Maybe someday…maybe not. Probably just a blog for a small handful of readers. I don’t know but when I stand on “this” side of something that God told me He was going to do and I can point “there” and say I was warned……it’s all God and it’s all good. Just like the book Annie F. Downs wrote, “Remember God,” I have GOT to write it down….for that reason alone…to do just that…..remember God.
I’m either crazy or God is fixing to wreck my world for women’s ministry.
Its a quote from the Spirit to the depths of my soul: “I’m going to wreck your world over the next year for women’s ministry.”
But God you’re going to have to bring my husband and family alongside me. I’m all in. Not sure about them.
No. YOU are going to bring them alongside. It’s a call to have & to answer.
I know this feeling. I’ve been here with you before, God! It’s a calling. It’s my calling. Maybe it’s time I get it right. Maybe it’s time I give up the complete feeling of guilt for not living out my calling to serve the church that God called me to so long ago. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to live without this guilt. Somewhere. Down deep inside me. Way deep. Stuffed down and away for years is my true and holy calling.
But for now, I’m going to throw up. It’s so overwhelming –your love and your grace and your power. It’s humbles me to the very depth of my soul. My inner most being — wrecked for your glory.
Ohhh….. Ding! Can you hear it? Can you see the lightbulb above my head? This is how I got wrecked…all of these events through a series of soul-searching conversations with God are how I noticed that God was “wrecking me” for women’s ministry and wooing me back to my true calling.
*I cried from my gut about finding my preaching stoles boxed up and put away in storage. My calling has NEVER gone away. I just keep “stuffing” it away. God still calls me to serve the church. I’ve known in my head but maybe now I’m getting it in my heart again.
*In a time of prayer and worship you’ve whispered to me– in the worship center singing and praying to God– I remember the exact day, Feb 16, 2016. Matt said we need someone to lead women’s ministry. He texted me that a couple of weeks ago. I’ve saved it. Like a “marker”. A turning point. THAT text haunts me. Like– it’s me. It’s my calling. I kept hearing Jesus say in my spirit–I’m going to wreck your life over the next year for women’s ministry. Ok. Great. I’ve got a year.
*Panicked at a Wednesday night prayer meeting, called Regenerate, that I might absolutely gut cry when speaking about CHASE. It’s in that that I’ve come back to my calling. It’s through IF that I’ve felt God calling me to BELIEVE (my rock) and to LEAD (my domino). Feeling so humbled and so close with God these days that it’s just that RAW. …. Glorious and beautiful. Scary and frightening.
* Through the Chase Bible study I’m stepping out of fear and stepping into my true & holy calling.
* During Choir one night, I was about ready to spiritually throw up because God calling ME to convince my husband about my calling. WOMENS ministry. I am to bring him along side. Not just God. Me. I barley even made it through choir without my heart racing. I knew then that God had answered a prayer. No God. Not this! Not ME telling my husband I want to do women’s ministry more. Not me. You God. You do it.
No. It’s you.
I’d rather you do it Lord!
I think I almost begged God for me to not be the one to tell him I still have a calling. He knows it….I was a Methodist minister when he met me! He’s always been supportive. He’s not complained about IF and Bible studies. But still, I shut down. And here– here is where I think is another instance of when I have resorted to food. I know this feeling. When God bubbles up, its sometimes so overwhelming and so much to process that sometimes it’s too much to process. And so– instead of dealing with God and recognizing a great work that He really IS doing within me– I stuff Him and my feelings and my calling back down. Under the surface. Under the food. I stuff it. I stuff myself because it’s so much bigger than me.
I’ve asked myself why I gain weight. Here’s what God’s been showing me– I’m accomplished and fully capable of a lot of things. Many God given talents– teaching. Leading. Singing. Church. I seek God for guidance and strength in all of these but I am not 200% dependent upon him for accomplishing these things.
So huh… I’m trying to be in control of my own life. I can’t do it without Him, but to do this weight loss— I have no strength of my own. It will only be accomplished and do-able because of him. This way….HE. GETS. THE. GLORY. NOTHING BUT HIS GLORY! But this weight thing– I’ve never controlled it. And now I hear a faint whisper from God that I’m trying to grasp. He tells me it’s the one thing that I will never be able to do without Him. It will be because of Him. For His glory.
Really?? God cares how much I weigh??! No. It’s about letting God move and be and do through me in this way. (Ha! “In this weigh.” You’re so funny God!) So that to be sure — that when it’s said and done- I will have depended only on Him. And I will succeed only because of Him. I must fully and completely surrender. My life. My will. My control. All to God. All for His Glory.
So here we go. Mark the date. God said He’s wrecking my life over the next year:
To quit depending on myself.
To quit stuffing my calling down with food.
And to let God have complete control. Complete surrender.
This is about to being wrecked for the good. Wrecked For a calling. Wrecked for making a disciple.Wrecked for not making myself known but wrecked for giving God all the glory.
And when I even remotely think of leading women’s ministry — I’m so unworthy. Sooooo not enough. So not qualified. Soooo not able to measure up. But again– that’s when God will carry me & will do my tasks and order my steps. He will be my guide; will be my “enough” and will make me worthy. And it will be solely in order to give Him the glory. Not about me. Not about a degree. Simply about a calling; and a God who gets all the glory.
So just when I start to doubt — and think I’m crazy in my head– I go back to what God taught me all during the 2016 year through IF studies– to BELIEVE. Luke1:45, “blessed is she who believes that the Lord will fulfill his promises to her!”
Ok. So maybe I’m not crazy after all. But if I am– I’ll give God the glory! ☺️